Short Story Club
In My View
- Living A Value Based Life
- Self-Care In A Crisis
- Baby Girl Expectations
- My Feminist Journey
- The Experiential Diary
I Did the Love Game Wrong
I am afraid to fall in love and have feelings in case the person turns out to be wrong for me, or I find myself with someone who turns around, doesn’t want me and leaves me. I am afraid to have feelings because I am not the person I want to be when I meet the kind of guy, I feel is right for me. I want my expectations of them to match and to be validated by my expectations of myself, but unfortunately because I’m not where I need to be, I don’t feel deserving of more. Maybe I’m being ridiculous, but practicality overrides emotions these days and that’s just how I feel. Maybe I’m doing this love stuff all wrong.
I’m not sure when it started, but I do know where I am. Something I thought could be so simple, I heard in the poems and songs. The movies raved about it, saying there will be a bump or two, but otherwise you’ll be fine, and it will all be alright. But the bumps were more than bumps and I felt that in the hardest way.
Why do people lie? Tell me, what's the point? I just don't understand them. I wish I didn't know them, but I am surrounded. The list grows. This is my life. When you broke me, I was too good for you. I knew I was. Although I didn't act like it. Enough time has passed for me to realise that I can never have you. I should let you go. These thoughts and feelings are constant. This is my life. I am living in it. It's a pain that is so blatant it's numbed me to itself. I will survive. But I want to triumph. Searching for what can help me. I met a guy. He's changed my life. Things are going to change, starting now. Actually, hold up. I think I was played. Genuinely fell for a lie.
I hate it when people do this! …slot themselves back into my life after I try to remove them. You hurt me. And you know you hurt me. What do you want from me? Nothing has changed. Judging by your explanation, everything is the same.
The reason you left me in the dark hasn’t change. I miss you but I hate you. It’s not fair because one simple message. One short line. A nice gesture you may have thought, has sent me into turmoil. Why fuck me up? I’m already fucked up. I don’t need these pointless mind games. I should have really walked away, every time I tried to walk away.
I’m forever in a state of praying that no one else from my past comes back to infuriate me. Things just tend to end abruptly, with no apologies, no closure, no nothing. Doors may be closed but windows are left ajar, then when I feel like it’s okay and I’ve moved on, they come back. The conversation should be over, but it doesn’t seem to end. I know I’ll be sad when it does, as much as I wish I wouldn’t, I know I will. I’m trying to focus on some other pipe dream fantasy, but it’s not enough to distract me. I just want to see the ending. I know it’s ending for real soon and it scares me honestly.
We’re falling back into our old habits, that comfort. You’re not mine and you made it clear, it won’t be anything. Yet you still feel the need to be involved in my life. And I can’t help but want to return the favour. I could have loved you. I can’t even not care about you. I’m trying to move on. You don’t make it easy. A lost cause. Yet I still want you. I went into turmoil all because of you. I think I did love you.
So, I think I’ve found someone…potentially and I’m just really confused right now. I think I’ve most certainly reached the stage of monogamy, well wanting it. He’s the only guy I’m entertaining and allowing to entertain me. But I don’t get him, I can’t quite grasp him, and it terrifies me. I’m scared to death that I’ll end up liking him, end up falling for someone I can’t have. I’ve never had anyone I really wanted, want me to try hard enough and go through any obstacles. I’m scared I’m going to fall for him, want something and he’ll turn around and say it was just a joke. A part of me feels like he only talks to me as a settlement prize, I’m second place to someone else and that’s why I believe that if I express my like, he won’t be the guy who likes me enough to try. He’s not my guy, is he? Yet I cannot stop myself from boarding this destined to air crash disaster flight. Why am I so masochist?
I need a moment by myself, I’ve had way too many cuts and bruises to my ego. Maybe some time alone will help me heal. Recently, I learned it’s okay to be alone. Choosing myself doesn’t mean I will never choose the boy, but I will not let the boys decide and dictate how I feel about myself anymore. In order to heal, I forgave the other one, I didn’t directly tell him, but I think he knows. It took a while for him to grasp why we can no longer be friends, but I’m glad he respects my decision. As my past is getting left there once and for all, the present is moving at me fast as I’m absolutely falling for someone else. I haven’t known him long, but we are moving so rapidly and I’m starting to feel things I haven’t in a long time. For so long I wanted a guy who wanted me hard enough to try and I think he’s that guy. We’ve got so many obstacles to come but we’re preparing ourselves. I’m happy. I can actually say that I’m happy and it’s not just because of me. I’ve got a happiness in myself and now a happiness to share with someone else. I think I’ve found a boy, for me. I know that I’ve met someone who’s worth trying for and I will keep on fighting for him.
The dynamics are changing, and I don’t feel that this relationship will last. I wanted this joy to last, but when two people’s lives don’t align, then there is no reason to force it. Loving him or trying to love him wasn’t for me. My apologies to him for I was at times cruel. I thought love was supposed to make you want to be a better person, but maybe that’s when you do it with the right type of person for you. Although, it didn’t work out, but I am happier to have let go, staying too long was part of the problem.
I have seldom felt much for the people I’ve encountered since my last lover and I parted. I socially distanced myself for a while, but slowly and surely, I am opening up. I still have the fear of doing it for the wrong person. As the odds have shown, it will either end in heartbreak or indifference, and the optimist that existed within me cannot find the energy to fight such odds. Even she’s scared. She’s very much scared because she thinks there’s someone who’s worth the effort, but we’re undecided if they’re worth the heartbreak. The committee stands confused. If love is a game, then we’re still doing it wrong.
But even if we’re doing it wrong, we just can’t help but try. New beginnings and new chapters. Let’s hope I get it right…someday.
This monologue began over four years ago and i used to add to it every time I felt like something had changed or when things were different. i stopped adding to this in 2019, affter breaking up with my university boyfriend. so much more has happened since him, but this dialogue is not the place. I was very lost when I began writing, I'd felt love in its fleeting moments, but not yet revelled in it truly. Since then I have, and the latest experience was the best, but the most heartbreaking, in fact, I'm still heartbroken right now. However, I know that we were right to part ways and I'm going to heal and one day feel for someone else again. This monologue is an evolution, a development.